Dare to dream? I guess I don't want to dream for now. Sometimes I feel that my dreams are "scary" enough to scare me. No, I don't have nightmares but sometimes in your dreams, it seems all so good but it's totally opposite in reality.



What's your take on it? Do you? Dare to dream?



I remember having a dream about someone I used to fancy for like four and a half years (can you imagine the pain? I had hard times forgetting him as I like him a lot) and guess what? It's the opposite but guess what? The place that was in my dream was similar to what I experienced later on.



Oh well, I don't believe in dreams. In fact, I stopped believing in it since like few years ago because I feel that it is just a dream. Even though it is a sweet and memorable one but in reality? That won't happen. As simple as that. Period.



I guess I stopped believing? *shrugs* I don't know. I just don't wish to, I guess? Well, it's how you look at it. (:



These few days, I've been feeling a little bit upset and frustrated. Though you can't tell that if I am, I actually am feeling that way. Yeah yeah, I may seem like that happy-go-lucky type but you know what? I'm just a mere human just like you.



The reason to being upset and frustrated: When I look back in life, when I look at it and go through it into detail, it hurts me sometimes. Why is that so? It starts to remind me of the things, the people that I've lost. Those sour memories. Oh that bitterness.



Even though it may not show it (because I always choose to try and stay happy), deep down inside, I guess it's somewhat painful.



There and then this question comes to my mind: "Am I lying to myself about how I actually feel?" I don't know how to understand that. Maybe a little but still, I have my reasons to it. You know, I feel like a bloody loser when everytime in my life... Good things always have to come to an end.



"Why do all good things come to an end, come to an end... Oh why do all good things come to an end?" - NELLY FURTADO - "All Good Things Come To An End".



That may be a song but it really does apply to my life. I wouldn't say my life is really that bad. So far it has been pretty ok. Family is always first on my list and even though at times we as humans do quarrel (even with your family members) but hey, looking on the brighter side, I should be pleased with what I have.



Although there'll be times whereby you wish they (in which this case would be your family) would understand you better and all, all I can say is... The best thing you could ever ask for is to have good family communication.



I may be that LOUD and NOISY (well? maybe that's what friends would describe me?), at home I'm not really all that. Scared? No, I'm not scared of being who I am. They know that I can be talkative and all but I guess when I'm at home, I prefer to keep quiet. Ok, at times I do feel like talking a lot but at times, I just prefer to keep quiet and do my own things.



Split personalities? Hmm? You know, it makes me wonder now actually. At times I'm an emotional person, at times I'm just so calm, at times I'm just so naive, at times I'm very cautious....... Well? I don't have to continue right?



To think about when I was in Secondary, it depends on how you look at me. If I'm with my good friend, I'll be that "happy-go-lucky", silly ,talkative and hyper. However, my form teacher used to think that I'm quiet and need to socialise with my classmates more. Am I that quiet? Ok, I am quiet because there were some classmates I feel not worth being nice to.



I am serious during lessons and I never fall asleep. I only felt sleepy during Maths lessons but I always make an effort to drink water (my water bottle), to keep myself "energised". I simply don't know I would feel sleepy during Maths lesson.



Anyway, that's not the point. It's in the past anyway. I guess people have different sides in them it's just how you look at it. At the end of the day, I guess god knows even more. God knows who and what type of person you really are.



Well, I guess I'm one who likes to keep certain emotions within myself. Only my heart and my soul knows how I truly feel. EVEN THOUGH PEOPLE MIGHT THINK I'M ONE WHO WOULD SHARE HOW I FEEL AND ALL. Yes, I do share certain things but there are certain things that I choose to keep it to myself. Only my heart and soul knows. Then again, sometimes it's very difficult.



Let's just say, I have my reasons to why I responded in a certain way for certain things. The past is history but with that experience in the past, even though we're in the present, the experience that I had in the past, I just don't wish it to occur again.



Some might argue what experience? Well? I came across different types of people, maybe some of my friends may not have met that kind of people - Well? I don't know. I've encountered the "desperates", the "hypocrites", the "devil/angel" and so on.



Hypocrites are the worst I guess. I wouldn't say I'm a pure angel but I've encountered this hypocrite who only "make used" of me. I actually played along with her with her not knowing that I was actually FULLY AWARE of what she was doing. Well? At times I'm really naive on a certain day but come on... I'm not that dumb.



I observed and I sort of heard it. Knowing that she's a HYPOCRITE, I wanted to know more about her so I decided to play along and acted really dumb. Yes, really dumb and naive. I even overheard her saying: "Diane is really stupid and naive."



OH WOW, THANK YOU. ...But you know what? Tell me who is the stupid one now? Definitely not me. She's the one being stupid. I didn't tell anyone about it actually and this happened in 2002. 6 years and I still remember that event. I tell myself, I can never forget that.



I then realised that she's a bad friend. Even her "GOOD" friend, in front of her, she's really all so sweet and nice. She's one who you think a very good and nice person. Someone whom you can trust and all but actually, she isn't. Not only is she a hypocrite, she's one who falls in that "devil/angel" category.



What do I mean by "Devil/Angel"? Basically, I mean - An angel on the outside but a devil in the inside. I simply HATE this kind of people. I'm no angel. I'm quite playful and hyper but... I would never do such things. I still have a heart and I'm still human. (Even though when I'm mad I may do things I don't mean, otherwise... I'm fine.)



You shouldn't be wasting time on such people and sometimes I wish I could turn back time as I've made a lot of mistakes in the past. I hate it. It's there will be something that will spoil that good moment that I'm having. It's bloody irritating. It's so bloody frustrating. I am so bloody upset and I just want to bloody say - WHY IS IT SO UNFAIR?



I understand you cannot have everything but then, can't I just have peace? All I'm asking is just peace. Just don't bother me and have such obstacles. Realistic? Maybe not because life is full of obstacles. (Sheesh, how irritating?? Well, life's like that. Grr...)



I am simply frustrated. I guess I've been like that for I can't remember when. Oh my. That's actually bad. *sigh* It's hard to have someone that understands you. Only my little heart of mine knows how I really feel but it's hard for me to express it out at times. IF only my lovely heart could talk but nah, that would never happen.



You know, after typing this... I feel better (also probably because I'm listening to "Trance Match" - Armin van Buuren & DJ Tiesto using headphones). Before that, I was feeling a little down and it's like I feel like breakdown. Too much emotions kept inside. I guess sometimes it's best to let it out. (:




Well? If I really can't get over it, then I may result to "comfort food". Yes, I do eat at times when I feel down. However, at times I may not have the appetite to do so, which probably leads me to blasting music loud using headphones but not too loud to the extend it hurts my ears like mad.  Oh well . . .




Oh heck it - I don't give a damn. - Peace out~