I just don't understand why.

All these years, I've been keeping this frustration and sadness. Yes, I simply can't hide it anymore. I am an optimist, always trying to look on the brighter side and all but it's killing me!





This pain, this frustration... Simply turns to sadness because I just feel that people don't quite understand you. It's been years and I've been trying not to think about it but lately, I just can't take it anymore. I simply have to spill this.




It's very frustrating. You know like what they say: "Good guys finish last". How true is that? Well, you decide. Whatever it is, I still don't think good guys always finish last. Ok, maybe part of it is true but you can't be bad right? What I mean is - BE BAD so that you don't lose out.




That's definitely not me. Even though I may talk a lot, complain, nag a little and all but the thing that saddens me is that, people always think I'm bad, heartless, cold and all. It makes me sad to know that there are some people who think that way of me.



I AM NOT AN EVIL PERSON.



Yes,I may talk a lot and all that shit. Well? If you put it that way. However, I still have a heart and discipline. Yes, maybe at times when I'm angry I can be very mean and all but that doesn't mean I am a very evil and cunning person in nature.



I simply don't understand why some morons think that way and they simply love making up stories. I have been tolerating this shit for years. I simply don't understand why and on top of that, people don't recognise you. What I mean by that is - All the good deeds and good things that you do, people don't recognise.



I really do feel like shutting those people up. At times I simply feel like slapping their faces and punch them.



Then again, I have no rights to do so. If I were to do that, I would be in the right as they could charge me for assulting them.



My my my... But can you imagine this pain? This frustration? Not forgetting, the sadness. I never really tell anyone how I really feel deep down inside. Oh well, guess I simply can't take it. At least by typing this, I would at least ease myself a little.



Life is unfair. Well? That's what they say but I am still refusing to think so. Yes, stubborn as always but you can't just go with the flow right? Come on! Use your brains. Yes, your brains!



I still feel. God is fair (though we may not think so and may not see it) but humans are never fair. Yes, in this world there a lot of cruel, cunning people. I hate this kind of people but you know what? It's impossible to stop them.



Seems like I hate a lot of things, eh? Maybe it's this frustration that I have been having for years.



I simply don't understand why people simply love bullying others. Just because I'm usually quite nice and not an evil,cunning person in nature, they at times pick on me.



I still remember in K1 and in K2 whenever I tried to be good friends with the person, somehow the person that I feel I could trust sabotage me.



How's that? Maybe some might argue "THAT'S LIKE HOW LONG? CHILDREN ARE LIKE THAT". Oh yeah?



In Primary school same thing happens. Well? Ok, not really that same thing but there are some not too good memories. Ok, let's just say... Life is like that. There are things that will try to obstruct your path.



WELL... CAN YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE??!



I also did not hurt anyone nor do I find trouble with anyone so why can't they just leave me alone? I just want peace and have a good time. Hmm? Ok, that doesn't sound right because life is like a rollercoaster ride.



Patient? I think I've been quite patient. I've tolerated all the shit and I never really tell anyone how I really feel deep down inside. Only my heart and soul knows.



AND my favourite spot to reflect and just spend my time alone at home is in the kitchen. Yes, you read it correctly - In the kitchen. I'll just sit down in the kitchen when everyone else is sleeping and I'll just think and reflect. All the questions that I ask myself.



Only god knows how I feel. It's painful and to know what is even more painful is that people don't really know who I really am.



All they know or should I say - They would simply say I am talkative, energetic, noisy, can be naggy at times, complaining at times, blah blah blah...



BEFORE THEY CAN EVEN SAY THAT, do they really know who I really am? Yes, I'm talkative but there are times, I don't wish to talk that much. At times, I just want some peace and quiet. Do those people (those that thinks "bad" about me) know that? I BET THEY DON'T!



Ok, to summarise it all.



I AM ANGRY (FRUSTRATED): because people simply love to hurt others. Not only that, they like to judge people (Ok, this is common). They doubt others. They simply don't recognise or acknowledge the good deeds that you did, the good points about you and they love ranting without knowing who you really are.



Very uncommon but before you can say, at least know that person a little more before making such foolish, pea-brain comments.



I AM SAD: because of those (that I've mentioned above). Even though you know you have to be strong but still, it somehow makes you feel like a failure at times. Or maybe even a loser.


Even though I (stubbornly) refused to look at it that way but still, I have to admit that at times, it makes you feel as though you're a fool.



CAN YOU FEEL THIS PAIN? It's stinging. At times it hurts so badly. It's simply too hard for me to express it all but at least I did express how I feel and I'm being very honest here. I simply can't stand it. It's as though I am a shadow at times because of what they think I really am.



Whatever it is, I know who I am and what type of person I am. Ok, there are certain things that I may not see and the others may but you know, everyone make mistakes and I do make mistakes. Nobody is perfect and I am always trying to be a better person each day.



I AM NOT THE BEST (because they are other people better). I may have make (lots of) mistakes, I sin, I lied, I may hurt people unintentionally without realising it but still, I have discipline. I'll always stick to my principles.



I am no ANGEL but... I am no EVIL person. I am simply not a really evil person because I simply can't be one as that's not my nature. I am who I am and I will not change because of a person or anything like that.



I would only change if I tell myself to. Stubborn? Say whatever but I feel, you should not change because people influencing you or anything like that. I'm not saying changing is bad, if you can change to be a better person, by all means - I really do encourage.





However, if it is to change for the bad, FORGET IT. Don't even think about it. If you think being bad is the way to get things your way, I'd say: YOU MORON. (Use your brains!)



One should have a brain of their own and not let others control you. You control your life. You decide what is best for you (use your eyes to observe and your brains to analyse). You shouldn't let pressure take the best of you. I guess that is why I hate being pressurised.



Oh well... Ok, I guess I'm feeling better now after typing this and listening to Enrique Iglesias' songs (Yes, sounds pretty lame but am listening to his songs while typing this).



I just feel, at times people need someone to talk to. Express how they feel and all to ease the pain they are feeling. Well, I guess that is why I'm willing to lend my friends a listening ear when they needed someone to talk to.



Through experience, I gain and learn from it. That makes me the person I am today. So much of talking, I guess I better leave it as it is for now. (Yes,I'll end here.)

This darkness,

The darkness that I see

The pain that I'm feeling

Oh mighty god,

Please take this pain away from me...

My heart is aching

I am shaking

My mind's spinning

How long must I endure the pain?

The pain that's killing me,

Sucking up my energy...

Sucking up my blood...

It's sucking my soul

Get me out of this

Set me free...

This isn't right

I'm lost

Reveal the answers to me

The answers to my questions...

These questions makes me spin

I'm spinning

Spinning on this crazy journey

This crazy world

Help,

Help

Help me...

Get me out of this place

I'm terrified

I'm petrified...