// My Illusions*
Monday, February 05, 2007
At times when I wake up,I just feel great but at times - I feel lousy. How do you feel when you wake up?
Sometimes I feel happy but at times I feel down. Sometimes I feel frustrated,at times I feel at peace. I wonder why and I wonder how all this happens and how it could actually affect me.
To think about it,I feel that if I feel very happy and ease - my day usually goes well but if I feel a little down and all,it's really hard for me to make it to a good one.
I'm just somebody who likes to be pampered. I love the company of my friends as it makes me feel good. I feel at the best when I'm always laughing. What I mean by laughing is not faking it but the real thing.
Sometimes even just by blogging,I'll somehow feel better or maybe by listening to music will also actually help me too.
I guess I'm somebody who needs a good friend to listen when I'm feeling down or low. Speaking of it,I guess I shouldn't be complaning too much as I've got such wonderful good friends.
Their really nice people and I appreciate them so much as their really understanding people.
At times I'll feel very cranky and I'll complain a lot. Make a lot of noise,a lot of frustration,anger and stuff like that but their people who understands me and always try their best to console or to at least cheer me up.
I may not realise it at times but when I do realise it,I then started thinking to myself and I simply have to thank god for this because their people who really stay by my side no matter what.
If their nice people,I also have to be nice too. That's why I believe that I should also be a good friend to my friend and listen to their problems or try my best to ease them a little when their having problems.
I always believe that if you help others,it'll make a difference. Therefore,I hope it'll make some difference and hopefully my friend feels better. It's nice to see a friend to be happy.
Some of my friends often tell me this,"Do you know that you always put others happiness before yours?"
I just stare back at them and wonder if it's true.
I simply replied,"Oh. [Still in a shock state and blinking] I really don't know. I didn't realise that."
Is that one of the reasons that I feel down at times because I can't find my own happiness?
I really don't know but I just can't stand to see a friend feeling down. If only this world is full of happiness but then again,I wonder... What would this world be if there's happiness all around? Will it be better or worst?
I guess it might be better but how would this world be then?
Life is always full of obstacles. There are times I feel very stupid about myself. To the extend whereby I feel like breaking down but there's this side of me always telling me to not give up easily.
I guess over the years I sort of lose that stubborness that I once had.
My parents still think I'm a little stubborn still but to think about it,I don't think I am as stubborn as I was in the past.
Back then,I was even more stubborn and would you say - Heartless?
Ok,I wasn't really heartless but at times,I don't feel. I was really like a rock back then and at times I can just like forget everything and just do what I feel like.
That isn't what I like about me back then. However,I feel that I should still have that a little edgy stubborn-ness in me still.
In short,the "I'll prove you wrong" attitude. I still have that in me but I'm a little softer now then I was back then.
All I can say what that hasn't change in me is the lameness I have in me. Very energetic kind of person who likes talking and laughing. Oh,not forgetting my love life isn't fantastic.
It's usually - I feel for that person but that person doesn't feel for me and - That person feel for me but I don't feel that person that kind of stuff.
That's so sad because the person who feels for me isn't the one that I would like to like. Their usually not what I really want.
There were a few who were kind of despo. Desperate in other words. Sheesh.
*sigh* I just want somebody sincere. That's why I say - It's hard to trust guys. It's really difficult to trust them. I'm not saying all.
Hmm? It's like guys are flirts. Would you say that? If you're a guy,you would say "NO".
Ok. Maybe I'm a little like that. As in like I'll eye and like comment who's cute,who's hot,who's cool that kind of stuff but at the end of the day,if I like someone - That person will always be the one and only one that I like.
It's like - Back to square one. I don't think I'm unfaithful. If I like someone very much,I'll stick to the person and stay true to that person. Ok,maybe at times I'll eye but it'll always be one person in my mind.
Would you consider that as unfaithful? No right,because I don't think I'm unfaithful!
If I like someone,I'll really like that person with all my heart. If you say words are only words,how I wish you'll understand my heart. Listen to that heartbeat,tell me what it says. Are you feeling it? Can you hear what it's trying to tell you?
Now,this fear just keeps coming to me and this thought comes to mind. I wonder what if he finds out that I've been eyeing on him. How would he react? Avoid?
That thought just keeps coming back again and again. I don't want that to happen and it's really painful to see that as it happened to me twice or maybe thrice so I don't want that to happen again.
I usually try to see how is he and is he sad,happy or angry. If his feeling down,definitely - I'll be wondering why and what could make him feel better. If his happy,I feel happy too as it'll bring a smile to my face but if his angry,I'll definitely be wondering why and how to make him feel better.
Like what I read in Samson's blog - Looks are like so important. Well? Say to say but seems like people are looking at looks these days.
I don't have that looks but I can tell you that I should feel lucky as I'm a normal human being who is able-bodied and not disabled.
We should look at it that way and should feel that we are lucky. Some may complain and yes,there were times I wish I looked better but to think about it,let's just say we are very lucky people. WE are able-bodied and not disabled.
I usually try to look at my qualities and at least that could make me feel better and improve on it.
I think I'm someone who usually tries my very best to understand others but I wonder if people understands me too? Hmm...
Growing up is definitely not an easy process as we're going through a phase in our lives whereby we could sometimes have a lot of mixed feelings.
I usually try to be nice and respect others but if you don't respect others,how do you expect me to respect you?
What can I say after all? There are all sorts of people in this world. Good or bad? Well... This is life.
Some people think that I'm like somebody who really wants a guy badly. I just think that was a stupid thought. First of all,how can you say that? I am not that type of person. I have my pride.
I simply take things as it is and see how. What can I say after all? Things are just unexpected and yeah,I guess most things are really beyond my control.
I respect the other party's decisions and in return,they should respect me too.
I guess sometimes you have to listen to yourself and not others. Make your own decisions and not let others decide for you.
You know... I am still wondering if I really look different in my photos and in real life. Do I? This issue has been in my mind in the past few days as someone brought up the issue.
I've been asking my family members and some friends and well? They think I look the same except for certain pictures maybe because of the surroundings or angles.
I am still wondering what makes it so different. Seriously,I just don't understand because... Well? I mean,I know for myself. Hmm? Photogenic? Me? No,I don't think so. If I am,then all my pictures will look good but some pictures I don't look good. ...So how can you call that as photogenic?
Hmm... Whatever it is,all I have to say is... It's your vision,it's how you view it.
I keep asking my mother these few days and she was like "I think you look the same." Then again,I thought thinking to myself maybe because she sees me everyday but when I ask other friends,they said the same. Hmm... So yeah,I'm wondering.
Well? There were some suggesting that I look better with my fringe comb to the side. Hmm? I have to say I sort of miss it. Maybe I'll comb it to side then but there were some suggesting all down - better.
Ok,stop those confusions as it's making me confused.
Whatever it is,I feel I need to cut my hair a bit shorter already as I definitely don't look good with that long hair.
Alright,I'm off now.
Hmm... Code B? =D
[Singapore - champions again for Asean championship.]
♥Ashley Kid♥ × ♠12:22:00 am♠