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// My Illusions*

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Here it goes again.

It's stupid! Stupid stupid stupid!! I hate everything. Must I be hurt and sad? It seems that it works that way for me. Whenever there's happiness,something will ruin it and I'll be sad and hurt.

It's heartaching. I just don't want to show it. Yes,I do feel numb at times but at the moment,I can't take it anymore. It hurts me so bad.

Please wake me up from this nightmare! It's horrible. This is so screw up!

What the hell is wrong with this stupid world? This bloody world with bloody idiots. It's making my bloody heart hurts. I can't take it anymore. I had enough of it.

I'm always trying to look on the positive side of life but now it makes me hate this world at times. Yes,there are stupid obstacles that are so damn bloody idiotic. It's SHIT! F!

It makes me hate this world at times because such people just don't have that kind of understanding and are rather cold at times.

I usually give in but of course if it's wrong,I'll stand up and fight for my rights but this is someone whom I care for! She just don't realise how much I care for her yet she have some sickening idiotic thoughts at times thinking that I don't care for her and other SICK rubbish.

It is simply sick. Always thinking that she's the only one and never spare a thought for others. Cold-hearted creature. I'm sorry if I'm rude but I have to use that word - CREATURE. You stupid creature!

I am just so angry yet I'm sad. I'm always trying to hide my feelings and pretend that it's ok. Sometimes if I'm sad,I still have to put on a fake bloody smile to say that I'm ok.

The truth is,even when there were times when I don't feel ok I still try to look on the positive side and say "Hey,look on the bright side. Everything's gonna be alright."

Everything is just so sick. I am sick and tired. You care about yourself and not how others feel at times. I am hurt to speak the truth now. I am so hurt. Who the hell do you think you are?!

Think you're so great? I just feel like saying - "You suck!" because I'm angry at the moment. I am so annoyed with every damn thing. I cared for you but what the hell were you thinking?

You know it's very scary!? First you spoke to me then the next thing you said another thing which hurts me. This isn't the first time but this time I just feel that I should let it out. You are being such an idiot at times.

I'm sorry if I'm rude but I think this is how I feel at the moment. You are selfish at times. Sometimes you just do things without even thinking through and think that you're right. I tried "educating" you but at times you simply refuse.

Thinking that I'm scared if I kept quiet? Then you're wrong because I'm not. I just don't want to waste my time on you. Why should I? Unlike you,I bet you will speak back and continue with it because you fear of LOSING.

You simply don't want to lose. You are scared of losing and when you really are losing,you either try to change the subject or just say "Come on,it's over". You simply don't want to learn and assume you are always right but everyone make mistakes but you don't even show that you bother to learn.

You only want to me. No matter what or how. Ok,I admit at times I maybe feeling that way too but I can say that at times I do want to change. Unlike you,YOU who doesn't want to listen to what others say and always want to have it your way.
Shame on you. Furthermore,I am so shame of you. Like what others may think of you thinking that you're friendly,nice and all but what can I say? Your dark side is still there. I can bet you don't ever want to change.

Nevermind,I just hope one day you will realise all your mistakes and regret. Oh well... To think about it,who am I to say this? Ha! Forget it. It will never happen.
Nevermind,as long as you're happy then I'm fine. If I go crazy and that makes you happy,I'm fine with it.

If let's say I have some relationship problem in the future and that makes you happy then I'm fine. What can I do right? *sigh* Nevermind,as long as you are happy. Why do I need happiness if it comes and go easily?

Furthermore,I feel numb at times. I kept thinking "Why?" If it's meant that way,hurt me more. Kill me slowly. Oh yes,you're killing me softly. Go on. Hurt me more. Make me bleed more. Bleed till I collapse and lose everything.

Even if I lose my mind,what's the big deal? I don't need you to pity me or whatsoever. I don't need it. Just go away. I just want your understanding. I don't want someone to pity me because of something or whatso-bloody shitty thing.

All I want is just understanding. If I can understand others or well? At least I did try to understand others but why can't others understand me?

I am a human too. I have feelings and emotions. If you have,so do I but why must I always be in this position? Sure,I'm lucky in certain ways but it's always the one that I care for somehow don't understand me.

I'm not talking about a boy. I'm talking about someone very close to me. *low tone sigh* I just... I just want to be understood by others. You just didn't realise that your emotionally hurt me except this time I just couldn't take it.

Sad to say - tears. I have always tried to hide it and am crying inside but I cannot take it anymore. This is too much. My heart is aching badly.

Some may think - "what?" But well? I don't care. I don't need "someone special". Boys? Sheesh. Enough said about boys. If you were to add boys into the picture,you'll add more misery. I am always unlucky. The one that I like would somehow avoid me once they know I am into them.

That is why I don't want to even go near them even if I have some chance or even if I could like hint to them. It is too much for me.

Definitely I'm not their type. I'm nobody anyway. So yeah,nobody is always a nobody.

Whatever it is,I just don't want to think about this shit.

The shit adds even more misery.

I may be arrogant,mean in whatever way you put it as. Some may not even think that I am a nice person at all. Whatever shit you think about me,you just don't know me well if you think that way.

I have been in pain for quite awhile. I just don't want to show it. I can be nice,if you're nice. I actually tried understanding others but seems like others don't recognise and people don't understand me.

I don't need lots of friends. I just want friends and people who understands me - Even if it's just a few,I don't mind. It's worth making friends who understand you than someone who are just your so-called friends but they don't understand you.

People are just sick at times. They make me sick. They make me want to use harsh words on them. I am so sick and tired. I hate everything.

Please wake me up from this nightmare. This isn't a good day for me. I thought it would,but it's crap! CRAP!!! YES - C R A P ! ! !

If only tomorrow was a better day. I wish it'll be. I don't want this nightmare. It simply tries to put me into a foul mood but I'm hurt so I'm more to the sad side. How or why on earth does things turn against me today?

Where did I go wrong?! Why! Oh god,tell me. Please. Tell me. Oh bloody! TELL ME!

I will never get the answer. That's one thing for sure. I have been good,it's not as if I'm bad like I steal or something. I just do the things that makes me happy and not think of the negative. Telling myself to relax and enjoy myself.

Tell me what or how on earth did this things can turn out to be bad things? I believe in karma but I don't really expect things to be return to me. As long as I can do something good to help or contribute to others.

It may not be something big but I hope it could make a difference to others. Sheesh. It's testing me again. I don't know if I can go through this. I know I have to be strong and I will try to be but if this goes on for a long period of time,I don't see a reason why I should be here.

I am simply sad and hurt. Hmm... Angry too.

When I look at others so happy and all and I look at myself,I just laugh.

All that person ever knows is just about herself being low and all but what about me? I don't want to be seen in tears or whatsever. I want you to be worry-free,happy and smiling but I don't expect anything in return but to understand.

If only you could understand how I feel,it doesn't matter to me. I would be very pleased but the truth is,I don't think you'll ever will.

Oh boy,just hurt me. I'm numb.

♥Ashley Kid♥ × ♠12:20:00 am♠

// D: Illusionist

+ Diane

+ Anne, Ashley Kid, Silencer-D, D-Illusionist

+ 0ctober 4th 1990

+ Libra

+ Single and swinging, not looking - Likes making new friends
+ Mixed
(Chinese, Malay, Peranakan, Indonesian)

+ Park View Primary School (1997 - 2002)
+ Hai Sing Catholic School (2003 - 2006)
+ ITE College East (Info-Comm Technology; 2007 - 2008)
+ Currently: Singapore Polytechnic (Digital Media)

^{BLUE IS THE COLOUR}

// What does your sleeping position says about you?

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You are calm and rational person with a good deal of balance in your life.
Friends consider you to be kind, caring, and truly loyal.
You are easy going and trusting. However, you are too sensible to fall for mind games.
Open to the world, you are not afraid to be yourself.

If you don't get enough sleep, you are: Able to cope

It's hard to sleep next to you because: You're a bed hog

What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

// What's your love type

Your Love Type: ISFJ

The Nurturer

In love, you are quietly intense, devoted, and tend too hold on too long.
For you, sex is a way to get closer - and a way to take care of your partner.

Overall, you are altruistic and eager to please your sweetie.
However, you tend to also be non-confrontational and secretly frustrated with relationship issues.

Best matches: ESTP or ESFP

What's Your Love Type?

// Are you too picky when it comes to men?

You Are Picky When it Counts

Like most sane women, you want a great guy who will treat you well.
But you're also willing to put up with a few flaws in your Mr. Right
You should congratulate yourself on having a realistic approach to dating.
You probably have quite a few great guys you can date!

Are You Too Picky When It Comes To Men?

// What kind of sexy girl are you?

You Are Fun Sexy

You're funny, quirky, cute, and sassy.
Guys always have a great time with you, and that alone is sexy.
You've got an upbeat, optimistic spirit that totally shines through.
Any guy would be crazy to turn you down!

What Kind of Sexy Girl Are You?

// What kind of girl are you?

You are a Brainy Girl!

Whether you're an official student or a casual learner, you enjoy hitting the books.
You know a little bit about everything, and you're always dying to know more.
For a guy to win your heart, he's got to share some of your intellectual interests.
A awesome book collection of his own doesn't hurt either!

What Kind of Girl Are You?

// Are you spoiled?

You Are 24% Spoiled

You're barely spoiled. You may have some nice things, but you never let them go to your head.
You appreciate each gift you're given - and you don't dwell on what you "deserve" to have.

Are You Spoiled?

// What flavour Pocky are you?

You Are Flan Pocky

Your attitude: modern and offbeat
East meets west... sweet meets salty.
You're a pro at bringing unusual combos together!

What Flavor Pocky Are You?

// Could you be violent?

There's a Chance You Could Be Violent

Overall, you're a pretty chill person - and you have a good handle on your emotions.
Sometimes your anger gets the best of you, and end up regretting how you act.
Try to curb your temper more often. It only has to get out of control once to do some damage.

Could You Be Violent?

// Speed test
95 words

Speed test

// —The Voice Within—

// Other Illusionist♠

Special links:
CeMTA (Drama) Blog
Ms Angeline
Class Blog - 1A/03 ['o9]

Meet The Illusi♠nist:
Adib
Aiba
Aidyl
Amelia
Andrew
Atiiyah
Azizah
————
Berwin
Belson
————
Chloe
Clara
————
Darlene*♦
Dickson (Snoopy)
Donn
————
Elvis
Eugene
————
Faezzah
Faezzah [2]
Faiz
Faizal (Bear)
Fiqah♦
Fyeqa
————
Gabriel
Gary's Lover Den
Gillian
Gladys
Grace
Guan Ting (GT)
Guo Wei
————
Hafiz Y.
Haziyah
————
Irsyad
————
Jaclyn♦
Jamie
Jason
Jia Hao
Jiekie
Jian Sheng
Jiayi
Jun Rong (JR)
————
Ken
————
Lee Ying
Leon
————
Marcus
————
Naqiah*
————
Pearline♦
Pei Jun
————
Radhi
Razin
Ratna
————
Saiful
Sani
Sarah
Shakila
Sherin (Yi Xin)
Shikin
Shi Min
Shu Min
Sya
Syakirah
————
Wei Wei
Wendy
Weng Hon
————
Yi Xuan (Shiin)
Yue Han

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