// My Illusions*
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Sometimes I'm not sure what's in my mind. What do I want? What am I looking for? What are my needs.
It's crazy. Just like this crazy world. So many crazy people with crazy thoughts and a crazy mind.
I am somewhat still angry with whatever happened earlier on but hopefully at the end of this entry I'll feel better. Well? I just hope so.
It's like a nightmare. Living in a nightmare? Tsk. I don't know but everytime when something nice or good happens and when I have this "stupid" thought in mind thinking or hoping this will go on,something not too pleasant as I unexpected occurs.
Arghhhhh!! Why do this always happen?!?!
It's not fair! It's not fair! TOTALLY NOT FAIR!!!
The world is so unfair. Ok,let me make this clear. God is fair but human beings are never fair.
Why? Simple. All sorts of people in this world. Sometimes it makes me wonder what is this world all about. I am still searching for that answer can anybody show me or give me the answer? Anyone? Answer my question??
Yesterday I went out I saw so many people asking for money. One was flag day I guess and the other was people begging for money. I don't know but I just decided to donate. The one that makes me really sad is the one begging for money.
Especially after I donated some money she was like putting her face towards her hands and like bowing to me. Oh my. I didn't know or should I say not sure how to react as I was at the same time sad and felt sorry for them.
All I did was smile and nod my head. She said "Terima kasih" that is "Thank You" in malay.
The sight of it makes me feel sorry for them. Yes,in Singapore we don't see much of it but the other countries I'm sure you'll see them often. I don't know if I'm able to look at it.
Everybody just walked pass them. (Them = The old lady and a young girl) Like as if there's nobody. I understand that some may not have the change to donate or give some but well? For those who can afford? Why don't you just donate or give?
I know I couldn't afford to give a large sum but to give a small amount makes me happy.
I guess we all have to appreciate what we have. We should thank god for what we have.
Hmm... Seems like I started cooling down already. Have been surfing the net for the past hour or so and seems like I've calm down.
Gosh... Let's not talk about that already. I don't know how or why I got so emotional and upset.
Anyway,I have been thinking of that person lately. Yes,like in my previous entry - That person I mean.
Oh why do I feel this way? Oh why,oh why... Why do I keep thinking of that person. I still remember the past week when I saw him not smiling,it makes me wonder if his alright. To see him smile,it makes me smile too.
Gosh. Maybe I'm just out of my mind. How can I not know! I mean... People have been telling me that his a flirt type and stuff like that. Yes,I don't like flirts and in a way against them at times but I can't help myself.
Now the thing is... Am I falling for him? It can't be and it's impossible. Hmm... Ok,I did say "Anything's possible,nothing is impossible" but looking the circumstances it really is impossible.
I don't want a one way thing as I had enough of those kind. Me,making the first move? No way! One move and it wasn't the way I expected so... No. I fear something like that will happen.
To think about it,seems like the reason why I fear of this and that is because of what happened before. I guess it must be the unpleasant experience that causes me to be afraid of things and some things were like the things that I used to do or dare doing.
*sigh* I'm so chickened out.
I fear that I'll fall for him. I fall for a guy and I am such a fool. I like him for four years and that's the longest.
The reason why I hate falling for anyone is because it made me look like a fool. There's one humilate me in front of his friends. For two years,I can't believe I was a fool but four years? That makes me even a bigger fool or rather a stupid fool.
Guys are really hard to trust. At times I hate guys a lot. They are such a player. They're sweet talkers. They like to play around with people's feelings. They are such sweet talkers. They hurt you. Some are even worst - A beast.
I'm not saying all guys are like that. It's just that some guys are like that. I can't stand it. Have to say some guys are really nice. Very sweet and all. I am a sucker for it actually.
If his sincere,honest,understanding and someone who treats people with respect... I have nothing to say. Seems like I'll go weak but if the person is the other way round,I'll fight back.
Seems like "Mr.Nice Guy" weakens me. LOL. Hmm? So... Who is that Mr Nice Guy?
Anyway,I believe that girls shouldn't give in too easily to the guys. They may be the stronger ones but we can't let them take advantage. We have to fight for our rights. Stand firm and protest your unhappiness.
Heck them! Just be yourself and express yourself. You don't have to be somebody else to please others. If they don't accept you for who you are,don't bother about them.
Some people calls me meany and stuff like that. Well? I guess you have to know where and when to draw the lines. Some were like "Can you take jokes?"
Definitely I can but it depends. I mean to you it may be a joke but to the other,it isn't so you can't assume that everyone has the same thinking as you.
Yawns yawns yawns. I'm so stressed up. N-Levels starts tomorrow till Friday. I really want my distinctions. I'm so pressurised. I have to sleep early today. I don't want to feel sleepy tomorrow.
I think the latest I'll go to bed will be by midnight then at 5AM I'll wake up to eat my pre-dawn meal and of course! Take vitamins.
I don't usually wake up to eat my pre-dawn meal. I'll usually eat supper then go to sleep till tomorrow. Yesterday supper I ate Egg and plain pratas. I guess for tomorrow till Friday I'll wake up to eat my pre-dawn meal.
Oh well... I should just put everything aside and simply concentrate on my A's. Come on A's,come to me! I want my distinctions.
Come to me!
Peace out...
*Oh yes,HAPPY CHILDREN'S DAY TO THOSE CHILDREN!*
♥Ashley Kid♥ × ♠6:18:00 pm♠