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Friday, April 07, 2006

Sometimes I don't what to say.

Seriously. People think they know me. They know it all. Attitude? If you think that way,let it be. But do you really know who the person really is? Do you really know me?

At the moment,I feel like breaking down. She thinks I show her attitude? I didn't even yell at her. There's no exclaimation mark or whatsoever. I just said I don't think I can trust her. Her actions cause me to don't really trust her.

In fact,I find it hard to trust anybody. I actually find hard to trust anybody but she's someone I really trust and this is what I get? How interesting isn't it? Let me be frank. That action hurts me a lot. You can't see from the outside. IF only you can hear me,read me and feel what I'm feeling. Only then,you'll be able to understand me.

This is her last SMS she sent me at midnight.

"Nvrm. 4getit.But den is ur fault loh..U first show tis kind of attitude de loh..Even he oso say lyk tat loh. Nvrm.I will try24give&4get. As I m not lyk tat. Lyk u.."

That's what she replied.

Meaning: "Nevermind. Forget it. It's your fault actually. You show that kind of attitude in the beginning. Even he says that. Nevermind,I'll try to forgive and forget as I'm not that type of person,like you."

What's up with the HE? Who is she refering to? Nevermind. I don't care. Boys boys boys. That's why I find it hard to give my heart to someone. For four years,whoever I sort of crush on just isn't the same. I don't get that feeling that I usually get. The only strong feeling I get is towards "you-know-who".

It's always back to square one.

Foolish isn't it? What to do? I can't help how the way I feel. That's why I never really like someone that much or I find it hard to like a person very much though I really wish I could just start a new. It's really hard for me. It's like,I really like him a lot but I can't go on like that. I can't like him.

I mean yes,I do like him but... In that situation,I just can't. That is why I can't really like someone that much even though I really wish I could just forget everything. It's like "You-know-who" is always in my heart.

Thinking that I don't mean it? Maybe at times I am that playful one. I just do whatever I want or whatsoever but at times like this,how can I not be serious? I mean whatever I say,I am serious about it.

I'm simply hurt with the matter earlier on. The one between me and her. You know,I've always treated her as my good friend. I really treasure her friendship. I appreciate everything. I enjoy the laughter and crap we share. I love the giggling and smiles.

Does she know how I really feel? I may have that side of me. You may see me as a little boyish. I like pushing around. I don't make eye contact. Don't smile at people that type. Just understand me. Get it straight.

If you know me,I'm definately not like that.

Yes,I don't make eye contact because I'm a shy person. Especially meeting someone new or I've never really talk to before. Actually I am a shy person but of course if I'm very comfortable with the person,let's say my good friend,of course you may not think I'm that type of person. Is it hard to tell you that I'm a shy person?

I don't smile at times. Well? I just sort of mind my own that sort of thing. Yeah. But hey,I can be friendly if you're friendly. I do smile at people. Looking at little children it sort of make me smile. You may not see it but god knows. Even if I were to say,I don't think you'll believe or understand. Only person knows and that is god.

Maybe she thinks I fake at times? Hmm? I don't fake it. I say what I mean. I speak,what I think. Faking? That's only when joking. If it's serious conversations,why would I? Don't you think it's stupid? Then again,I have no comments.

As long as she's happy. Let it be then. It's good if she's happy. I wonder,why doesn't she want to hurt me more? Just hurt me even more. Let me bleed. Bleed till I lose everything and just drop dead. Anyway,my heart is bleeding. I wonder if it'll be healing? I was about to end my healing process but I guess I can't.

I don't think it'll ever stop. Amazing huh? My healing process took about four years. Nearing to four years and now I don't think I'll ever stop. It's back to square one I guess. So? This time round,do I have to wait for like four years again?

IF YOU EVER READ IT GIRL. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY. IF YOU EVER GET A CHANCE TO USE THE COMPUTER,i.e.

THIS IS FOR YOU XIAOQIANG (ANGIE).

I simply don't know what to say. I'm lost for words now. It's just that at midnight,her message just got me down. Do you know how I feel?

Do you know that you're somehow special to me? Don't get me wrong but yeah. Day by day,I keep thinking if this friendship will end like the one I had for six years? I really hope it won't be like that.

She hurt me and now.........? Don't tell me you want to stab me? Which I know you won't but make my heart bleed? Well girl (XQ),you may not experience this kind of situation or whatsoever but if you know what I'm going through,you'll know how pain it is.

Think that I'm just simple talking rubbish? I'm not. I type what I experience. That's how I got to be the me now and not the ME four years ago. Though I know there's one thing that I'm always ME. Talking. Yes,I do like talking. You know I do but get it straight. There's time to be serious,crappy,etc. I haven't been in a goofy mood this week. Goofy as in really really. I may be happy but things aren't going that smooth so I just hope you understand.

Oh. What am I talking? Nevermind. As long as you're happy. That's all I could say.

I may be playful and stuff like that but hurting a friend? Well,maybe when I'm angry I tend to use such bold words but I didn't really mean it. I'd to apologise if I ever hurt you in anyway without me realising my faults but you still remain as my friend.

Saying that you're pissed? I still don't get it. Why? In what way. Seriously,you pissed me first. Let me just be frank. You pissed me off and what's it? The next day I forget about it. What about you? You say you forgive and forget? I still feel that you still feel that feeling. I am hurt. I'm simply honest. I am really hurt.

I have no intentions of hurting or pissing you off. Why would I? I simply want peace and harmony. Where's the care and concern? I don't want it to be so chaotic. I just want peace. Where are all those laughters and smile?

That's how emotional I can get. I can go very deep though I know most people don't think that I am. Well? This is who I am. This is Diane. Welcome to my world. I may be a different person when you see me. Chatty,crappy,etc.

Blogging is a different thing. It's something a bit personal in a sense that I get to really spill my thoughts and feeling out. This is my blog,this is what I've got to say. Like it or not,let it be. Just shush. I don't mind what you want to say. Anyway,it's your thoughts,it's your mind. Your life,your world.

Just be happy.

*sigh* I simply don't know what to say. It's useless. I really hope god will guide me through. I don't know if I can take this any longer. At times I simply feel like breaking down. I'm holding back my tears. I just want to be happy. I just want my friends to be happy too.

Oh well... Guess you won't even understand how I feel. Nevermind then.

Peace.

♥Ashley Kid♥ × ♠1:40:00 am♠

// D: Illusionist

+ Diane

+ Anne, Ashley Kid, Silencer-D, D-Illusionist

+ 0ctober 4th 1990

+ Libra

+ Single and swinging, not looking - Likes making new friends
+ Mixed
(Chinese, Malay, Peranakan, Indonesian)

+ Park View Primary School (1997 - 2002)
+ Hai Sing Catholic School (2003 - 2006)
+ ITE College East (Info-Comm Technology; 2007 - 2008)
+ Currently: Singapore Polytechnic (Digital Media)

^{BLUE IS THE COLOUR}

// What does your sleeping position says about you?

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You are calm and rational person with a good deal of balance in your life.
Friends consider you to be kind, caring, and truly loyal.
You are easy going and trusting. However, you are too sensible to fall for mind games.
Open to the world, you are not afraid to be yourself.

If you don't get enough sleep, you are: Able to cope

It's hard to sleep next to you because: You're a bed hog

What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

// What's your love type

Your Love Type: ISFJ

The Nurturer

In love, you are quietly intense, devoted, and tend too hold on too long.
For you, sex is a way to get closer - and a way to take care of your partner.

Overall, you are altruistic and eager to please your sweetie.
However, you tend to also be non-confrontational and secretly frustrated with relationship issues.

Best matches: ESTP or ESFP

What's Your Love Type?

// Are you too picky when it comes to men?

You Are Picky When it Counts

Like most sane women, you want a great guy who will treat you well.
But you're also willing to put up with a few flaws in your Mr. Right
You should congratulate yourself on having a realistic approach to dating.
You probably have quite a few great guys you can date!

Are You Too Picky When It Comes To Men?

// What kind of sexy girl are you?

You Are Fun Sexy

You're funny, quirky, cute, and sassy.
Guys always have a great time with you, and that alone is sexy.
You've got an upbeat, optimistic spirit that totally shines through.
Any guy would be crazy to turn you down!

What Kind of Sexy Girl Are You?

// What kind of girl are you?

You are a Brainy Girl!

Whether you're an official student or a casual learner, you enjoy hitting the books.
You know a little bit about everything, and you're always dying to know more.
For a guy to win your heart, he's got to share some of your intellectual interests.
A awesome book collection of his own doesn't hurt either!

What Kind of Girl Are You?

// Are you spoiled?

You Are 24% Spoiled

You're barely spoiled. You may have some nice things, but you never let them go to your head.
You appreciate each gift you're given - and you don't dwell on what you "deserve" to have.

Are You Spoiled?

// What flavour Pocky are you?

You Are Flan Pocky

Your attitude: modern and offbeat
East meets west... sweet meets salty.
You're a pro at bringing unusual combos together!

What Flavor Pocky Are You?

// Could you be violent?

There's a Chance You Could Be Violent

Overall, you're a pretty chill person - and you have a good handle on your emotions.
Sometimes your anger gets the best of you, and end up regretting how you act.
Try to curb your temper more often. It only has to get out of control once to do some damage.

Could You Be Violent?

// Speed test
95 words

Speed test

// —The Voice Within—

// Other Illusionist♠

Special links:
CeMTA (Drama) Blog
Ms Angeline
Class Blog - 1A/03 ['o9]

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Adib
Aiba
Aidyl
Amelia
Andrew
Atiiyah
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————
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Belson
————
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Clara
————
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Dickson (Snoopy)
Donn
————
Elvis
Eugene
————
Faezzah
Faezzah [2]
Faiz
Faizal (Bear)
Fiqah♦
Fyeqa
————
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Gary's Lover Den
Gillian
Gladys
Grace
Guan Ting (GT)
Guo Wei
————
Hafiz Y.
Haziyah
————
Irsyad
————
Jaclyn♦
Jamie
Jason
Jia Hao
Jiekie
Jian Sheng
Jiayi
Jun Rong (JR)
————
Ken
————
Lee Ying
Leon
————
Marcus
————
Naqiah*
————
Pearline♦
Pei Jun
————
Radhi
Razin
Ratna
————
Saiful
Sani
Sarah
Shakila
Sherin (Yi Xin)
Shikin
Shi Min
Shu Min
Sya
Syakirah
————
Wei Wei
Wendy
Weng Hon
————
Yi Xuan (Shiin)
Yue Han

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