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A journey of the untold...
...May it be unfold
What lies ahead is a mystery
For what is present is a gift
A gift to cherish
One to remember
May it live in our memories
A memory to remember...
Memories that are meant to be cherish...
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+*Your Life Is A Flashback - A Memory*+

// My Illusions*

Sunday, February 05, 2006

You know sometimes I just don't know what I want. What are my needs? What are my wants? Can anyone define it to me? I seriously am lost. To speak the truth,I'm simply confused. No one knows this. I feel that I shouldn't be hiding this anymore. I simply can't take it anymore.

I've been wasting a lot of time and I wish I could turn back time. I miss those days that I once had years ago. I miss the joy and laughter and the things that my friends and I shared years ago. It's just isn't there anymore. All those that I've dream of,dies off. This ain't Fantasy Land. This is reality.

Has anyone ever know how pain is my heart? I may always seem as happy but actually I didn't want to know the truth. The truth is always there,in front of me but I refuse to accept it. I still hold on because I scared to fall. The impact of falling is really a bad thing. It hurts me and it hurts me deeply. Piercing through my heart. Bleeding like the water when you turn on the tap. That's why I never learn to accept it. I always thought that I could sort things out but the truth is no matter how much you try,you'll still cry in pain.

At the moment,I don't know how I feel. I'm confused. This few days I've been really quiet. So many things in mind but don't know where to start. It's like I've been hiding in the dark these few days. I don't feel like eating too. It's only few days ago I started forcing myself to eat. I feel that I'm not the me that I used to be. I've been feeling kind of down these few days. My mind's like a machine and my mood is like the clock.

Just like half an hour ago when I got violent with my brother. I pulled his shirt and ......... Oh dear. I don't want to say. I'm missing something but not sure what's it. I feel like I need something but what is it? I want something but can anybody tell me what's it? I seriously don't know what I want and need.

I'm trying to take things lightly but at times I tend to take things seriously. I wasn't the person I used to be years ago. Oh my. What have I become? There were things I like for what I am now and there were things I like for what I am years ago. It's really sad to see things fall apart and everything goes the way you didn't want it to be. I find it hard to trust people at times. Have I lost the trust of trusting people?

It's like I've been doing my own stuff this few years ever since I stepped into the secondary school life. I don't hang out that often neither do I chat with friends that often. Well? I mean,I still chat and laugh... You know the usual stuff but what I mean is my secondary life circle isn't as big as in primary school. In primary school,there's lots of friends. Lots of fun and stuff like that but the problem is we have our own stuff and we haven't been keeping in touch that often. We're drifting away. It's just a matter of time we don't see that string anymore but why?!

I don't want it to be that way. I want the bond that we once had. The smile,the laughter,the joy and stuff like that. Who am I right now?! Am I still the same? Am I the Diane four years ago? =( It's really sad to see things drifting away. You can't have it your own way. It's a pain to see things go just like that. That's the thing I FEAR of the most.

Please don't say goodbye. There's still time. We can try working it out. I know it's hard as we are busy but don't let it go just like that. Have you forgotten the happy moments? It's really precious to me and it has always been kept close to my heart. I'll never forget those times.

Thinking about my friends. I feel that we don't have much time for each other. It's more like we're just friends and those that we once had were like so yesterday. I haven't been in touch with Aida for quite some time. Though we're in the same school but then we have our own stuff and situation just simply change. I feel that we're drifitng apart. We don't talk that often already. We don't even hang out.

I try to do my part by talking to those friends. Friends that are precious to me. I try my very best to talk to Darlene,Aida,Pearline and not forgetting Jaclyn. It's not that I don't care. In fact,I care. I haven't been chatting with Pearline for quite some time. Even if we do,we only talk for a while and that's it. Unlike last time,we can chat for a very long time. Laugh and stuff like that. *sigh* Things change and so does people. Jaclyn? She's still my friend no matter what. Yes I know we haven't been quite close lately or rather this few years ever since we were in secondary school but I still care.

It's not like I don't care. I care. I know we haven't been meeting each other for quite some time already. Everytime we meet,I feel glad as we seldom meet. Unlike in primary school,we were in the same primary school and we can hang out during recess and after school. It's really sad to see things go just like that. =(

I seriously don't know where to start. It's a really busy year and N levels is like seven to eight months ahead only. So many things to worry about but don't know where to start or how to go about starting it. Have I lost my sense of feel and touch?

At times I can understand a situation but I can't feel the situation. While at times I know how it feels but I can't seem to understand it clearly. Oh my... Am I at the losing edge? Am I going to fall? I hope not.

I really feel sad about everything. Thinking back at those memories,it makes me smile but at the same time I feel sad about it. Disappointed? Can say so. I didn't know how things got to be this way. It's a heartache. I'm simply not the Diane that I once was. I'm more like the mystery one at times. Though some people may think that they know me but they don't.

I feel that I lost my sense of touch. I can't connect. The connection isn't there. The Diane back in 2002 is the Diane that's cheerful,carefree,hot-tempered (as usual),heck-care attitude... While the Diane now seems to be a little quiet than what I was years ago. I'm a little less cheerful and I tend to worry so much. Oh dear... What has gotten into me?

I guess I should try my very best to sort things out. I don't want it to fall apart. This isn't right.

It shouldn't be like this.

Oh well... Let's not talk about it already.

It's 7.30PM now. Sunday and tomorrow's Monday. How interesting. Pretty fast huh? For all you know it's the end of the year. Sheesh.

It's only now than I realise I've wasted so many things. I've been wasting my life just like that. Yeah,just like the snap of my fingers. I don't want that to happen. I want to be a better person and make less mistakes. It can be complicated at times. I wonder why. If you think it's easy,try being me. *sigh*

Even with all the powers in the world,you still can't change the universe. You can only change you. Stop doing stupid things and start doing something useful. I think we should start now. Don't let it go to a waste and regret it later. It isn't nice to regret something because you can't turn the clock back.

A question that appears in my head now is,"Do I know you?"

You may think that you know someone but how well? You may know him/her for quite some time but have you ever thought what if someday... Let's say 10 to 15 years later and accidentally bump into him/her and you were like "Hi! Remember me?" and what if the person said,"Do I know You?"

I'm sure it's a heartache. What can I say after all? We're like clocks. Our mindcept keeps changing everytime and we don't even or even remember those stuff. Well? I'm not saying everyone forgets everything. There are some who still remembers about the past and that's really sweet. It's nice to remember all those. In a small way,it shows that you care. I still remember some of the things. If only I can turn back time...

I haven't been visting people's blog these few days to see what's happening and stuff like that. Hmm? Maybe I should when I have the time. I haven't been visiting's Jaclyn's blog for quite some time. Oh my.

Oh well... I'm off now. Maybe later I'll check in again.

Better be doing my homework. Oh gosh. Homework? Urgh!

Peace out.

♥Ashley Kid♥ × ♠7:39:00 pm♠

// D: Illusionist

+ Diane

+ Anne, Ashley Kid, Silencer-D, D-Illusionist

+ 0ctober 4th 1990

+ Libra

+ Single and swinging, not looking - Likes making new friends
+ Mixed
(Chinese, Malay, Peranakan, Indonesian)

+ Park View Primary School (1997 - 2002)
+ Hai Sing Catholic School (2003 - 2006)
+ ITE College East (Info-Comm Technology; 2007 - 2008)
+ Currently: Singapore Polytechnic (Digital Media)

^{BLUE IS THE COLOUR}

// What does your sleeping position says about you?

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You are calm and rational person with a good deal of balance in your life.
Friends consider you to be kind, caring, and truly loyal.
You are easy going and trusting. However, you are too sensible to fall for mind games.
Open to the world, you are not afraid to be yourself.

If you don't get enough sleep, you are: Able to cope

It's hard to sleep next to you because: You're a bed hog

What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

// What's your love type

Your Love Type: ISFJ

The Nurturer

In love, you are quietly intense, devoted, and tend too hold on too long.
For you, sex is a way to get closer - and a way to take care of your partner.

Overall, you are altruistic and eager to please your sweetie.
However, you tend to also be non-confrontational and secretly frustrated with relationship issues.

Best matches: ESTP or ESFP

What's Your Love Type?

// Are you too picky when it comes to men?

You Are Picky When it Counts

Like most sane women, you want a great guy who will treat you well.
But you're also willing to put up with a few flaws in your Mr. Right
You should congratulate yourself on having a realistic approach to dating.
You probably have quite a few great guys you can date!

Are You Too Picky When It Comes To Men?

// What kind of sexy girl are you?

You Are Fun Sexy

You're funny, quirky, cute, and sassy.
Guys always have a great time with you, and that alone is sexy.
You've got an upbeat, optimistic spirit that totally shines through.
Any guy would be crazy to turn you down!

What Kind of Sexy Girl Are You?

// What kind of girl are you?

You are a Brainy Girl!

Whether you're an official student or a casual learner, you enjoy hitting the books.
You know a little bit about everything, and you're always dying to know more.
For a guy to win your heart, he's got to share some of your intellectual interests.
A awesome book collection of his own doesn't hurt either!

What Kind of Girl Are You?

// Are you spoiled?

You Are 24% Spoiled

You're barely spoiled. You may have some nice things, but you never let them go to your head.
You appreciate each gift you're given - and you don't dwell on what you "deserve" to have.

Are You Spoiled?

// What flavour Pocky are you?

You Are Flan Pocky

Your attitude: modern and offbeat
East meets west... sweet meets salty.
You're a pro at bringing unusual combos together!

What Flavor Pocky Are You?

// Could you be violent?

There's a Chance You Could Be Violent

Overall, you're a pretty chill person - and you have a good handle on your emotions.
Sometimes your anger gets the best of you, and end up regretting how you act.
Try to curb your temper more often. It only has to get out of control once to do some damage.

Could You Be Violent?

// Speed test
95 words

Speed test

// —The Voice Within—

// Other Illusionist♠

Special links:
CeMTA (Drama) Blog
Ms Angeline
Class Blog - 1A/03 ['o9]

Meet The Illusi♠nist:
Adib
Aiba
Aidyl
Amelia
Andrew
Atiiyah
Azizah
————
Berwin
Belson
————
Chloe
Clara
————
Darlene*♦
Dickson (Snoopy)
Donn
————
Elvis
Eugene
————
Faezzah
Faezzah [2]
Faiz
Faizal (Bear)
Fiqah♦
Fyeqa
————
Gabriel
Gary's Lover Den
Gillian
Gladys
Grace
Guan Ting (GT)
Guo Wei
————
Hafiz Y.
Haziyah
————
Irsyad
————
Jaclyn♦
Jamie
Jason
Jia Hao
Jiekie
Jian Sheng
Jiayi
Jun Rong (JR)
————
Ken
————
Lee Ying
Leon
————
Marcus
————
Naqiah*
————
Pearline♦
Pei Jun
————
Radhi
Razin
Ratna
————
Saiful
Sani
Sarah
Shakila
Sherin (Yi Xin)
Shikin
Shi Min
Shu Min
Sya
Syakirah
————
Wei Wei
Wendy
Weng Hon
————
Yi Xuan (Shiin)
Yue Han

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